


How (Not) to Date

by Vexatious



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underswap, Comedy of Errors, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff, Fontcest, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Sexual, Secret Crush, Swapcest - Freeform, Underswap Alphys - Freeform, Underswap Papyrus, Underswap Sans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 15:37:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13837800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vexatious/pseuds/Vexatious
Summary: When it comes to expressing his feelings for his brother, Blue is bit less than magnificent. If only Papyrus wasn't so oblivious!





	How (Not) to Date

**Author's Note:**

> First place winner of the fic raffle on [my Tumblr](http://vex-bittys.tumblr.com).

“I really like you, Papy,” Blue whispered in an uncharacteristically quiet and solemn tone. His bony brow furrowed in concentration, and he stared at the toes of his boots, breathing in shallow little gasps. Why were the words so hard to say out loud? He’d been thinking them for years!

“I really like you, Papy,” the Echo Flower repeated. The other Echo Flowers took up the phrase, and soon an army of glowing blue blossoms declared their almost-love for Blue’s little brother. The words hadn’t come out right when he said them; hearing the endless repetition of the Echo Flowers only confirmed it.

Eventually the whispered confessions faded away.. Blue cleared his proverbial throat nervously and tried again. “I like you, Papy, but not as a brother. I mean, I like you as a brother too, but also not as a brother… CHEESE AND CRACKERS! WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?”

“CHEESE AND CRACKERS!” mocked the Echo Flowers.

Blue’s cheeks puffed in frustration. He knew it made him look childish, but he couldn’t help himself. Listening to the Echo Flowers whisper his botched lines endlessly through this small cave in Waterfall only made him more determined to find the exact right words. The Magnificent Sans never gave up!

Though he spent several more hours in the softly lit, peaceful surroundings uttering one heartfelt declaration after another, Blue never found the perfect words. With a sigh of defeat, the would-be Royal Guard trudged back home to spend another evening with the object of his affections, who was totally oblivious to his romantic attraction. Maybe if Papy wasn’t so busy being impossibly lazy, he’d realize that his brother had fallen in love with him. It would make everything so much easier.

Blue opened the door of their house in Snowdin to find Papy sprawled out on the sofa in his shorts and a black tank top, a honey bear tipped onto its side dripping the sticky substance onto the fabric of his shirt. He still had his shoes on, resting on the arm of the sofa! Unbelievable! Blue crept over to his brother’s side stealthily. Papyrus had fallen asleep mid-snack. How typical of the lazybones!

Blue couldn’t hold back an indulgent smile. Sometimes Papyrus suffered from insomnia due to nightmares, but when he slept serenely like this he resembled a handsome angel. Blue used his thumb and forefinger to gingerly pluck the sticky honey bottle from his brother’s evenly rising and falling chest. He carried it into the kitchen to rinse off the grimy residue coating the bottle.

Once the honey bear had had its bath and been placed back on the table where Papy could easily find it again, Blue began to make dinner. The smell of freshly cooked food finally roused the lanky skeleton from his slumber, and he stumbled into the kitchen to greet his hard-working brother by placing a chaste kiss on the top of the shorter skeleton’s skull. Blue hoped Papy didn’t notice the blush blazing on his cheekbones from the simple, carefree act.

“aww,  _honey_ , it was  _sweet_  of you to wash Mr. Bear for me,” drawled Papyrus, taking a seat at the table and immediately lifting the bottle of sticky sweetness to his mouth. Blue supposed the honey was an improvement over his brother’s usual cigarette habit, and the horrible puns made it easy to suppress the squeal of joy from being referred to as honey.

“I MADE MY FAMOUS TACOS FOR DINNER!” Blue proclaimed proudly, placing two plates of tacos onto the table before settling himself into the chair across from his brother. His socket twitched as he watched the taller skeleton squirt honey liberally onto the savory meal.

Papyrus took huge bites of the crunchy tacos, chewing loudly with a charming smile on his face. Chopped (by punching, as Alphys had taught him!) toppings and honey-soaked taco shell fragments flew everywhere. No wonder Papyrus was so slim, even for a skeleton- none of the food stayed in his mouth! Blue almost choked on a bite of his own taco while trying not to giggle at the spectacle of his brother eating dinner.

“ _taco bout_  delicious,” Papyrus joked, swallowing his last bite and licking the remaining morsels from around his mouth. “thanks for dinner, lil bro.” The tall skeleton winked.

“LIL BRO?” shouted an indignant Blue, throwing his arms up in the air dramatically. “I’M OLDER THAN YOU, AND YOU KNOW IT!” Sometimes Blue (correctly) suspected that Papyrus said things just to see him (over)react. If confronted, Blue might’ve even admitted to putting on a bit of a show anytime his brother teased him.

“no need to be  _short_ -tempered, Sans,” Papy said with a grin. Blue screeched. “you may be older, but that doesn’t mean you’re not little.” With those words, Papy picked him up, just lifted him easily out of his chair as if he were a babybones, and spun him around.

“PUT ME DOWN!” demanded Blue with a yelp, playfully battering at Papy’s ribcage with his undeniably small fists.

“never,” Papyrus laughed.

“THE MAGNIFICENT SANS WILL NOT STAND FOR SUCH INFANTILE BEHAVIOR!”

“it’s a good thing i’m carrying you then.”

“ _PA-PY-RUS!_ ”

How could his brother manage to be so infuriating yet so endearing at the same time?

* * *

 

The Magnificent Sans prided himself on his strategic prowess, especially when it came to complex puzzles, but every great puzzle solver knows that two heads are better than one when it comes to searching for an elusive solution to a particularly difficult problem. Alphys and Undyne were dating; maybe he could ask Alphys to give him some pointers on breaking the ice!

Blue soon discovered that battle training wasn’t exactly the best place to be distracted by thoughts of potential future romance because Alphys’s heavy tail had just whacked him soundly in the ribs for the third time in a row. He grunted at the bruising impact, and Alphys immediately became apologetic.

“Sans, I’m so sorry! I thought for sure you’d block that time! Are you alright?” she sounded worried. Alphys always avoided hard hits during their training due to Blue’s single HP. She wanted to train him for combat, not dust him!

“I’M FINE!” Sans wheezed cheerfully.

“You’re daydreaming,” accused Alphys gently. Blue ducked his head sheepishly.

“CAN I ASK YOU FOR SOME DATING ADVICE, ALPHYS?” Blue blurted out.

“Finally gonna make a move on Papyrus, eh?” Alphys replied with a grin.

“IS IT THAT OBVIOUS?” Blue groaned.

“To everyone but him,” laughed Alphys before sobering again. She leveled a steady gaze at her student. “What do you need to know?”

“HOW?”

Alphys waited a moment before prodding him for more information. “How…?”

“JUST HOW! HOW DO YOU DATE?” Blue hated how desperate he sounded.

“Dating is like fighting! You have to be assertive! Sweep that punk off his feet and tell him how you feel! Crush him with romance!” Alphys got a bit carried away and suplexed a large boulder into gravel to demonstrate. Blue got swept up in her passionate (and somewhat aggressive) energy.

“I’M THE MAGNIFICENT SANS, AND I’M GOING TO CAPTURE MY BROTHER’S HEART!”

* * *

 

Capturing anything, much less the elusive love of your unsuspecting sibling, required preparation, so that night, Blue had called and made a reservation at the NTT resort’s upscale bistro. The date was set, giving Blue a hard deadline for confessing his true intentions. Unfortunately, the courage Blue needed to force the simple words out of his mouth had never manifested. Instead, Blue now stood outside the NTT resort with Papyrus, planning to have a nice sit-down dinner… for no particular reason.

“we can sit down at home, or better yet, at Muffet’s,” Papy had unhelpfully pointed out.

“MUFFET’S FOOD IS GREASY! I WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE NICE! BESIDES, I MADE RESERVATIONS,” protested Blue.

“and i’m sure it has nothing to do with your crush on a certain robot DJ,” Papy teased.

“I DON’T HAVE A CRUSH ON NAPSTATON, PAPY!” Blue huffed before quietly adding, “I like someone else.” Papyrus quirked a brow, but he let the subject drop.

“y’know, Blue, i know a shortcut for-”

“NO, PAPY. WE’RE WALKING IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LIKE RESPECTABLE MONSTERS. NO SHORTCUTS!”

Blue grabbed Papyrus’ hand to lead him into the restaurant and instantly regretted it. What if Papy thought holding hands was weird? He couldn’t just let go of his brother’s hand though; that would be too suspicious! How long could you comfortably hold hands with your brother before it turned from normal to awkward? Could Papyrus feel his metacarpals sweating? Blue was blowing the date already, and he hadn’t even told Papy it was a date yet!

The lanky skeleton didn’t pull his hand away from his brother’s as they entered the bistro, and Blue didn’t want to be rude by letting go first. They ended up strolling to their table hand-in-hand and standing next next to it for just a few seconds too long before they both simultaneously released their grips, allowing their hands to drop limply to their sides. Blue sank gratefully into his seat.  _Food!_  Food would help ease the tension!

With a nervous giggle, Blue scanned the menu. For a short, disorienting moment, he thought the words were written in some strange language until Papy took the laminated page from him and turned it right side up. Blue flushed brightly in embarrassment. In an attempt to evade his brother’s concerned gaze, Blue swept the room with a hasty glance only to realize that he and Papy were severely underdressed for the atmosphere.

The Magnificent Sans had taken a proverbial page from his brother’s book for once and dressed casually for the date-that-only-he-was-aware-of. He’d worn sneakers in lieu of his usual boots, paired with basketball shorts and a top that said “Cool Dude” and had shoulder pads in the shape of soccer balls. His brother wore his (probably dirty) orange hoodie and cargo pants that hadn’t made the last round of laundry. Everyone else in the establishment sported dress clothes in fashionable cuts and colors. He groaned in agony over his socially unacceptable attire.

“something wrong?” Papyrus asked innocently.

“WE’RE UNDERDRESSED!” complained Blue.

“coulda sworn i put on pants before we left.” Papyrus chuckled, making a show of checking his clothing for any missing articles. “yup, all here!”

Blue could feel hot tears welling in his sockets as the date careened past the point of being salvageable. Papy tried to laugh it off at first, but the night just got worse as it progressed. Blue dropped his silverware onto the floor, knocked over the glass of fancy wine he’d ordered, and even spilled dessert all over his shirt. Papyrus watched the disaster unfold without even making another joke about it.

The most anticipated part of the foray into how not to date was paying the bill and leaving, but even that didn’t go as planned. Blue had forgotten to grab his wallet from his usual outfit, and Papyrus ended up paying for the expensive food that Blue had insisted they order.  

Once they were outside, Blue began to apologize in earnest. He’d ruined everything! Papy deserved a better boyfriend than the not-so-Magnificent Sans. Tears streamed down his round cheeks as he babbled.

“I’M SO SORRY PAPYRUS. THIS WAS SUCH A STUPID IDEA-”

“nah. it was a great first date.”

“WHAT?”

“i’m not as oblivious as you think i am,” Papyrus said with a wink.

“HOW DID YOU KNOW I-” Blue never got to finish his question because the taller skeleton leaned in quickly and clacked their mouths together. He didn’t pull away afterwards though. He lingered, letting their breath mingle. Blue grabbed his brother’s hoodie and pulled him into a deeper kiss.

How didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was Papy’s mouth pressed against his and the honey-sweet taste of his brother’s tongue.


End file.
